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Kent
Posts: 2389

1-Oct-2005 8:24:20 AM
Commonly used phrases at the office and... what they really mean!
1) For your information. (FYI) - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2) For your action. (FYA) - I don't know what to do with this, so I'm passing this shit to you.
3) Noted and returned. - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it for a little while.
4) Review and comment. - Do the dirty work so that I can forward it and sign off with my name.
5) Action please. - Get yourself involved. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
6) For your necessary action. - It's your headache now. Woohoo!!!
7) CC to - Here's a share of the headache.
8) BCC to - I'm telling someone important that I'm working and sharing the headache with you.
9) For your approval, please. - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please. :D
10) Action is being taken and will revert in due time. - I lost your correspondence and still trying to locate it. - I busy! Bother me next week!!!
11) Please discuss. - I don't know what this is all about. So please brief me.
12) For your immediate action. - Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble!!!
13) Please reply soon. - Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient because of you!
14) I am investigating/ processing your request with the relevant departments. - They are causing the delay, not me! (Eyes open big big, innocent look)
15) Thanks & Regards. - Thanks for reading all this bullshit.

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

1-Oct-2005 8:25:28 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor
arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have
any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

1-Oct-2005 8:26:12 AM
RE: 'tenjewberrymuds' - Best E-mail of the Year 2005

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what
'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:


Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"


G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds"

G : "You're very welcome."

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

1-Oct-2005 8:26:44 AM
New Oxford Singapore Dictionary
1) LILY - adverb. extremely, really > "Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"
2) VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily) "Look! My Versachee > belt, valley nice hor?" > >
3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley > "Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!" > >
4) CORAL - verb. to bicker > "Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?" > >
5) REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with "You lily want > to coral reef me ah?" > >
6) ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour "Ah Lian Lily got a > bad altitude ploblem". > >
7) CIRRUS - adjective. certain > "You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!" > >
8) CANOPY - phrase. impossible > "He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money?" > >
9) OLDLADY - adjective. completed > "Wah...you finish oldlady ah." > >
10) SUIT - verb. to project forward > "Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady." > >
11) SOW - verb. to reveal > "Sow me, sow me your new ting." > >
12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel & tar "We go > Orchard Load leh." > >
13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send > "What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

1-Oct-2005 8:27:12 AM
A young woman brought her fianc� home to meet her parents.
After dinner, father took him aside and the following
question-and-answer session ensued :

"What sort of job do you have?" "None, I'm a theology student."

"Are you financially secure?" "I'm broke, but God will provide."

"What will you do to support my daughter and provide a good home?"
"I shall be studying, but God will provide."

"How will you be able to raise children?" "God will provide."

After the couple left, the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?"
The husband said: "Well, he has no job, he has no money, and no
plans for the future, and for some reason he thinks I am God."

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

3-Oct-2005 12:53:00 PM
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

3-Oct-2005 12:53:28 PM
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil......

Just when the clock struck 11, Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

3-Oct-2005 12:54:26 PM
A blond dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.

She said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91.

The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back.

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

3-Oct-2005 12:56:06 PM
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

3-Oct-2005 1:02:28 PM
The Seven Dwarfs are in Rome visiting the Vatican..... They all go up to
the Pope's door and Dopey steps forward and rings the doorbell.

The Pope answers the door and asks.... "Dopey, my son, what can I do for
you?"

Dopey asks...... "Excuse me your excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"

The Pope smiles and answers....... "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in
Rome." In the background, the Pope can see a few of the other dwarfs
giggling.

Dopey then asks...... "Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

The Pope looks at Dopey and answers...... "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
in Italy." At this answer half of the other dwarfs start laughing
openly.

Dopey continues...... "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?"

The Pope, getting tired of these questions, answers.... "Dopey, there are
no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all of the dwarfs are
rolling on the ground laughing.

Dopey says...... "Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in ALL the world?"

The Pope, frustrated by now, says..... "Dopey, there are no friggin dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world!"

At this answer the other dwarfs start laughing, jumping up and down,
and chanting hysterically....... "Dopey shagged a penguin! ....Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

3-Oct-2005 1:05:37 PM
Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

Steady lar!


Ho Soon
Posts: 143

8-Oct-2005 1:36:50 PM
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."



Ho Soon
Posts: 143

8-Oct-2005 1:40:21 PM

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, and began rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"



Kent
Posts: 2389

29-Nov-2005 1:29:37 PM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

29-Nov-2005 1:30:55 PM
Subject: Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally
about their domain names:

Firstly there is "Who Represents?", a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com

Second is the "Experts Exchange", a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island": www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com

And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the "Mole Station Native Nursery", based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

29-Nov-2005 1:31:28 PM
Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among
the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue
as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of immigration.

Steady lar!


Kent
Posts: 2389

30-Nov-2005 5:30:00 PM
crazy ,taiwan english examination paper



Steady lar!


Ting Fu
Posts: 867

Edited on 30-Nov-2005 10:23:38 PM
How about these compo?


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